Holding Grief
In our daily experiences, whether pursued or not, we encounter many challenges. Some are more painful than others. Some are external and seem beyond our control. Recently, my beloved family and I faced a sudden loss—the loss of our dear Beni, a wonderfully spirited fur-baby, Morky, which has brought us great suffering. Naturally, I want to be there for them and myself, to hold them in their grief. I wrote this poem to help navigate sorrow with gentle compassion. I hope it offers you comfort and/or a sense of closeness with your loved one who has passed.
I thought this would be a fairly short blog. However, much has happened since the passing of our furry friend Beni. Our lives—my son’s and mine—have been turned upside down by the war in the Middle East. My son is a professor at a university in Abu Dhabi, and I split my time between BC, Canada, and Abu Dhabi. Twelve days ago, bombings began to shake our foundation. We experienced missiles, drone attacks, and the unmistakable sound of interceptors. The government sends constant phone alerts: The Public Safety Alert! Due to the current situation and potential missile threats, immediately seek a safe place in the nearest secure building; steer away from windows, doors, and open areas. Await further instructions. Then our iconic condo complex was hit by debris from a descending drone. My son’s American employer advised us to evacuate and booked us tickets to Canada, which were later changed four times and finally cancelled. Both Abu Dhabi and Dubai airports were struck and were functioning in chaos. We drove seven hours to Oman to leave the area. Unfortunately, there were no direct flights to Canada, only connections through Turkey, which was also under attack. Plan B: depart for Asia! We arrived in KL to the news that a dear friend of twenty years had passed away. For me, KL will never feel the same without her! We attended her funeral and returned to the hotel to a message that another friend in Canada had just passed.
How am I coping, you might ask? The short answer is that I’m not okay, but I’m trying! I’m not okay with toxic positivity! I’m not okay with pretending everything is okay or will be okay, and that we have to power through it. Pishah to that, I say! Instead of those maladaptive coping mechanisms, I ask myself how I can stay connected to the goodness within and without. Gratitude is my fail-safe practice for being in the moment during troubled times. In this case, I am grateful to be alive and to have survived, safe and still standing in the midst of it all, right now. Grateful for all my caring friends and family who have reached out to show their love and support. Grateful to my departed friends, both two and four-legged, for all the good times we shared. Grateful to my son, who is sharing this journey with me, and to the fact that I am not alone. And the gratitude list goes on because it is my bridge to living life fully, grounded in my body, in this present moment.
It’s important to understand that grief is a personal experience, and there are many categories of grief: normal, anticipatory, disenfranchised, complicated or prolonged, collective, and cumulative. There is also grief without closure, known as ambiguous loss. Sometimes shock can postpone a grief response and lead to delayed grief. There’s a secondary loss, a ripple effect of initial loss. When something unexpected happens, like a violent death, traumatic grief and PTSD may occur. If any of this resonates with you and you feel overwhelmed, please reach out to a professional for help.
Maybe you feel grief is overwhelming right now, and you may not feel that gratitude is accessible. It’s okay if it isn’t. It’s important to honour your grief. By remembering them, they are already present; you are already present. By focusing on the precious moments, we invite gratefulness and the suffering of sadness to coexist, creating a new space of containment. Honouring our grief through the practice of gratitude grounds us in the comfort of hope and resilience. So even if you have mixed feelings about them, that’s okay too. We include the complexity of emotions, like a soft, open hand holding all of our tenderness in a “little place” in the heart.
If you find it hard to feel grateful, start with appreciating a good cup of tea. Alternatively, ask yourself, what are three things I am thankful for, and write them down in a daily gratitude journal. Share them with others if you wish. You might also try the GLAD exercise I introduced in the first blog. Keeping a gratitude jar for a month is a lovely practice as well. Each day, find at least one thing to be thankful for, even if it’s simply getting out of bed in the morning. Going for a gratitude walk is another mindfulness exercise. In challenging relationships, we can be thankful that they push us to learn valuable life lessons. Remember, practising gratitude benefits your mind, body, and spirit. Now, ground yourself in whatever you’re sitting on, feel your sit bones making contact with the surface, and take a few long, deep breaths before you read Holding Grief.
Holding Grief
Be still
Go to the little place, a memory, or a feeling,
In your heart
Where they reside
Right beside gratitude.
Remember the feeling
Of loving your loved one,
Of being loved by them
Of joy and shared happiness.
This is where
Our complex memories,
All the wonderful moments, present moments,
Precious moments
Live.
Right beside gratitude.
Even though it seems far away, it’s okay.
You are not alone.
Allow the soft hand of gratitude to open.
A hand to hold your sadness.
Now, give yourself time.
To feel the hug of gratitude
As it soothes and calms
All the grieving parts.
In gratitude for all the loving moments.
Return to stillness
Again and Again
To savour these
Precious moments
In this quiet, still place.
Where the invisible hand holds our Grief.
Thank you for taking the time to read my blog. I hope it benefits everyone. May we live in a safe world with grateful, open, and peaceful hearts. Love, Mamaji_/\_